This is the day that i almost died. This day came and passed very fast, faster than any other day...
This is the day when i had my exams. I reached the studio early for preparation, and to report to the steward. Teacher helped me tuned and i practised a little, focusing mainly on melodic scales. I was trembling, rather scared, felt that my hands went weak. Soon, it was my turn. I entered the room followed by the pianist, greeted the old english man, he gave a warming smile which reduce my fear and panicky mood. Started off the pieces quite fine, but was screwed up at the scales session, i really wondered what went wrong, maybe i was too nervous, i dunno, slurred bowing during chromatic scale was a mess, never did it occur in any of my practises, i was stunned by my own actions, melodic scales became a mixture of harmonic and melodic, that i was mentally prepared... Sight reading was *shrugs* i just went through it, never broken but expression-less. Aural was fine, maybe the english man was rather lenient, to let me repeat when i sang wrongly... Soon, it was over, i bade him goodbye and walked out, my thoughts were in a mess. Recalling the mistakes i made, told myself i did my best. Teacher asked me how i did, i just told her i tried my best, making more serious mistakes in scales... I packed up and went home.
I was in the train, trying to forget about the exam and be light hearted, but just couldn't do it. I find myself in a unstable "mode", breaking down in any minute. I closed my eyes, holding my tears back. Tried to think of some other things, so that i wouldn't take it too hard...
I really dunno what had happened, in the past, i would always be light hearted, even though i made mistakes, but this time round, my heart and my mind think differently. i felt very hurt over my performance, so hurt that i felt like dying, but what's done can't be undone... I guess i really need time to heal my broken heart, and engage in other activities to numb my sorrows...
I told jing2 about what happened to me, she told me about her experience also, at least i knew i was normal and somehow we were face with a similar situation...
I reached home and finally, broke down...